when it rains...

i sit in my curtained cubicle in the hospital feeling fuzzy-headed and lost. how did i arrive at my appointment four and one half hours late?

my gna-boo is in a curtained cubicle in a hospital right now too in San Francisco. she is my one grandparent left and she is in intensive care, speaking little, eating nothing. Congestive heart failure, kidney disfunction, levels of this and that and falling down and a stroke (or two!) and doing better, no doing worse, no you shouldn't come, she's gonna weather this one through, no she doesn't want anything invasive, why weren't the ICU nurses watching her, bleeding bump on the back of her head, smiled at news of great and grand-children, lucid, silent.

i feel depressed and impotent. it started before news of my grandma but that sent me into a state of avoidance- of classes, responsibilities, engagements. have i overloaded my schedule, am i moping, self-indulgent? have a recent lowering of medicines been premature? i have had pneumonia for the past month or so, but antibiotics seem to have quelled the chest pains and cold symptoms. this progress, reinforced by specific blood tests and CT scans, seem to confirm that the pneumonia was/is bacterial and not fungal- a good thing. body-sick no. heart-sick.

Madeline Kwok. all of my friends who've met her agree that everyone needs a gna-boo. the sweetest little old lady ever. i'm so scared i'm not going to get to say good bye.