The day before yesterday I realized I have cancer. Yup, all that hospital stuff, dropping out of school, my hair falling out didn't clue me in, I guess. The reality of the disease and the duration and duress of treatment has really hit home in the last few days. I think the lag time in real sadness/anger/frustration/etc is due to two things. One, in the hospital, there was a flurry of people and activity around me at all times. I was wonderfully distracted. And two, consultations last week with various doctors informed me of things I simply did not know previously. For example, I didn't know how harrowing a bone marrow transplant is. That it entails another month-long stay in the hospital or that one's immune system is completely wiped out requiring a year of recovering said immune system while living a very very sterile and isolated existence. Also, although I knew radiation was a phase of my treatment, now that it looms tomorrow, I am scared. The idea, the pur-pose, is to kill cells in my brain. I kind of like my brain and use it often. So, naturally, I am petrified and pissed and loads of other anxious emotions. Perhaps my future professors will grade me easier if I say I've had radiation to my head?
Other than emotional trouble coming to terms with all that looms ahead, I physically feel good. Today is the first day I can say that I don't have a headache in a few weeks. We've just been plodding away at the boxes, unpacking slowly but surely. Kent and Joyce were frequent visitors last week; they are always a delight and usually a help too with everything from computer concerns to home maintenance to helping in the kitchen. Thank you! And of course, what would I do, where would I be, without my Mom and Jaci who take such good care of me. Every time I complain, I know that it could be so much worse. I am blessed with amazing friends and family. Amazing. See, I told you I was emotional.
All in all, I feel physically ready to begin the next two weeks of treatment. I'm nervous mentally, but getting better. Here we go.
6 comments:
Erica, after tomorrow you can tell people "I'm radiant" and then you can say, "I'm not being narcisisstic, I'm being literal."
(I have NO IDEA how to spell the word "narcissitsstic" or however you spell it. How sad.)
Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you in California...I read your blog every day to check in and see if there's anything new and how you're doing. I'll be sending you lots of love and healthy vibes tomorrow while you're becoming radiant.
Rock on with the treatment, and love,
Erik (Uma's hubby)
Hi Erica,
Just a short note to let you know that every member of team EM Magic made it to the top of the Columbia Tower here is Seattle today!!! Let me point out that the 69 floor we were to climb turned out to be 73, which we didn't know until we got to floor 69 and realized that we weren't at the end. But we made it! We raised almost $2000 I think, and the event is expected to raise over $500,000!!!! So a success, except that I am now completly useless and am not sure that I will be able to walk to work tomorrow! I need to get your address. I have a care package which will include the picture of EM Magic as well as some other surprises. Most of the members of our team have never met you, but are sending love and support and well wishes. Erica, may you continue to get better, and as you well know the support will continue to be there. We all love you and will do anything you need! Now, I am going to pass out again ( I slept most of the afternoon). Lots of love, and I know you will be able to handel tommorow as wonderfully as you have been able to handel anything else. Erika
I just happened on your blog as I was trying to get to mine at ericalmurray.blogspot.com... thanks for letting me in on your sacred journey...you will be in my prayers.
Erica Murray
Monterey, CA
Keep the positive attitude and that beautiful glow about you, you *will* beat this.
Okolo (Running Boston Marathon in your honor)
tnt [at] okolo.org.
Erica, it's good to hear you writing out your fears and emotions. It takes courage to address these things, especially in a public forum. Keep on keepin on, you know we're all behind you.
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