Sunday, March 19, 2006
March 19, 2006
The day before yesterday I realized I have cancer. Yup, all that hospital stuff, dropping out of school, my hair falling out didn't clue me in, I guess. The reality of the disease and the duration and duress of treatment has really hit home in the last few days. I think the lag time in real sadness/anger/frustration/etc is due to two things. One, in the hospital, there was a flurry of people and activity around me at all times. I was wonderfully distracted. And two, consultations last week with various doctors informed me of things I simply did not know previously. For example, I didn't know how harrowing a bone marrow transplant is. That it entails another month-long stay in the hospital or that one's immune system is completely wiped out requiring a year of recovering said immune system while living a very very sterile and isolated existence. Also, although I knew radiation was a phase of my treatment, now that it looms tomorrow, I am scared. The idea, the pur-pose, is to kill cells in my brain. I kind of like my brain and use it often. So, naturally, I am petrified and pissed and loads of other anxious emotions. Perhaps my future professors will grade me easier if I say I've had radiation to my head?
Other than emotional trouble coming to terms with all that looms ahead, I physically feel good. Today is the first day I can say that I don't have a headache in a few weeks. We've just been plodding away at the boxes, unpacking slowly but surely. Kent and Joyce were frequent visitors last week; they are always a delight and usually a help too with everything from computer concerns to home maintenance to helping in the kitchen. Thank you! And of course, what would I do, where would I be, without my Mom and Jaci who take such good care of me. Every time I complain, I know that it could be so much worse. I am blessed with amazing friends and family. Amazing. See, I told you I was emotional.
All in all, I feel physically ready to begin the next two weeks of treatment. I'm nervous mentally, but getting better. Here we go.
posted by Erica at 10:19 PM