Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Breaking News

iPhone Appears to Escape Vampires' Den
BY Erik Hurray

Palo Alto, CA. According to initial reports just leaked from unnamed sources within Stanford University Medical Center, an iPhone known as EJ's Mobile has gone missing. It was last seen Thursday, October 23 by private citizen Jamie Murphy, in the hands of a young medium-built female trying to pass off as a civilian. She wore street clothes but her Medusa-like tangles of intravenous tubage clearly signaled in-patient status. Her mendacity at not wearing the traditional patient gown immediately made your correspondent raise his eyebrows.

The mysterious woman, too bald to own the alias Medusa has been dubbed "Twilight" after the runaway vampire book series and because of the red streak of crimson at her mouth (which she claims is from Jill's spaghetti that night, but your correspondent remains unconvinced). Murphy says that she noticed Twilight had to be moved FIVE times around the F, E, and D units and nurses confirm that finding staff that were willing to draw blood 3-4 times per day from Twilight, whose translucent skin seemed to glow in a spooky way that allowed easy access to good viens but whose icy temperatures forced phlebotemists to wear multiple pairs of latex gloves when examining the alleged patient. Before we could conduct further questioning, Twilight seems to have vanished, leaving neither a drop in her hemoglobin transfusion bag nor any clue as to where she's headed. (Her insurance, HMJPG Hockey Mom & Joe the Plumber Group, is apparently a total fraud and covers no one, so finding the likely culprit through a paper trail has dead ended.)

The search for the missing iPhone has been conducted in a professional and thorough manner. Amber alerts have been issued on the 101 and 280 freeways. Digital Voicemail-sniffing dogs scoured the patient units, the 3rd floor VIP room, the cafeteria, and the radiology ward, places EJ's Mobile's owner has frequented lately. As each hour passes, the owner has less hope that the mobile device will be found intact. "I have had it for about a year and half," the owner, who wishes to remain anonymous, said. "I'm not sure how I will be able to fill the hole its absence has left in my purse."

iTunes stores have offered songs for $0.89 for anyone with any information about the whereabouts of Twilight or EJ's Mobile. Please study the artist's rendition of the missing machine pictured here. Now immediately going to voice mail, experts agree that its battery has long ago burnt out. Still, EJ's Mobile's owner remains hopeful and the search goes on for Santa Clara County's #1 vampire fugitive.

If you have any information, any information at all, please call Room FG30 at (650) 498-3067 instead of EJ's Mobile.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

e,

love!!!

love,
uma

Jaci said...

Letter to the Editor:

While I can't seem to read this post without utilizing my on-air reporter voice that fluctuates and pauses appropriately for effect, I must come forward with what I believe to be--an insider tip.

I have been a witness to "Twilight" and I feel that you must adequately warn the masses of her danger. I have seen her use some kind of spell on people so that even complete strangers are bewitched by her beauty and do her bidding... nurses and doctors are no match for her charm. Her followers send her supplies directly to the hospital to keep her well-stocked and strong. I have seen with my own eyes Twilight cast a spell on a room of somber mood turning it into--the horror--laughter and joy! She must be stopped!! The iPhone disappearance is just the beginning...

One last warning: if you look directly into Twilight's eyes and she smiles--consider yourself infected. It's all over from here... She's got you now.

Good luck, Citizens...

Addie said...

Miss E, you are the MOST fabulous writer!

Erik said...

This is hilarious. I'm at Starbucks LOLing right now and people are looking at me crazy. LOVE!

Clif said...

Oh. I'm guessing she didn't get any of my text messages then...

Saba said...

Even on morphine, you write WAY better than I ever could. That might be my favorite posting to date.